October 11, 2010: I Wrote a Poem on My Birth-day
I wrote another poem on October 8,
Journey and companionship… O Jesus, my beloved You know me, You love me whether I am sitting with you or ignoring you You love me with no strings attached You give me freedom to wrestle with You. O Jesus, you have plunged me into darkness and light sadness and joy dullness and sharpness And yet I have no real fears… while I fear so much Life…my gift… …my birth …my hope …my death …my suffering …my resurrection Alone with You… …with a longing for deeper love.
I finished the poem with this picture I took on Sunday for various reasons. The picture needs both darkness and light (and shadows) for us to take in her color and beauty. All is truly Good! It is full of joy and sadness for it is fall and the flower will soon fade and die. Although the flower is soft, it has sharpness in its youth and vigor.
On Saturday, my father and my stepmother were having a garage sale as they prepare to move from their large home that my father built. I ended up with two boxes that included pictures and the last box of my Aunt Mary’s things. My Aunt Mary, who had never married and was the only sister of my mother, died in November of 1993. Her battle with cancer and limited finances was relentless, and yet she carried them with a spirit of joy. My mother had been going through her things for years but never finished before she died in August of 2000. I will write more about my Aunt Mary next week. For now, I would like to share with you that she was only 63 years old when she died and was the Godmother of many of my siblings and was there for almost all of our sacraments. My sister PJ and I were the first to go into her apartment when she died. My mother stood outside while the two of us went in with the police officer. Although my Aunt Mary was dead and had already started bloating and decomposing, I sensed something really special in that encounter.
Aunt Mary was a Eucharistic Minister for a number of years and very involved in her church. While I was still on Active Duty in the Coast Guard, I flew up to Massachusetts and drove her down to Ormond Beach. Almost all of her belongings were in that old Chevrolet. I had no idea that one of those boxes I hauled in haste, would be packed with so much life and memories. There was an old bottle of perfume in the box amidst the pictures and notes and even a talk she gave for a Cursillo she worked at in 1988. The smells and treasures intoxicated my soul. She carried many pictures in her wallet over the years (all of those nieces and nephews!) along with identifications. I entered into a most prayerful mode that kept me awake two hours past midnight. I will share with you her story next week.
I found this little well used prayer paper in her belongings. A couple of years ago, I was so broken and deflated while sitting before our retired Bishop Jack Snyder. I begged him to hear my confession…but I wanted something more. My life seemed darker and heavier than I thought I could handle. Bishop Jack offered me just a few very wise words:
“Ron, sometimes you just have to carry your cross.”
I will always cherish his words…and my cross. Is it possible that Aunt Mary was allowed to ask Jesus if she could send her nephew this little prayer? Could Jesus, who loves us more than we can even imagine, possibly refuse to grant her prayer? Because of love, we all live both now and forever. Our loved ones are alive!
And then I read the introduction to Thomas Merton: A Book of Hours edited by Kathleen Deignan:
There must be a time of day when the man who makes plans forgets his plans, and acts as if he had no plans at all. . There must be a time of day when the man who has to speak falls very silent. And his mind forms no more propositions, and he asks himself: Did they have a meaning? . There must be a time when the man of prayer goes to pray as if it were the first time in his life he had ever prayed, when the man of resolutions puts his resolutions aside as if they had all been broken, and he learns a different wisdom: . Distinguishing the sun from the moon, the stars from the darkness, the sea from the dry land, and the night sky from the shoulder of a hill.I pray that you have a most wonderful week and learn to appreciate your most precious cross given to you as a gift from the God who gives us life forever!
Father Ron Moses +
